Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
