I'm going to jail i love you
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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