If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
