i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
