She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
