so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
