drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
