Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
