Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
