I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
