Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
