Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
my vag is so smooth its legendary
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize