i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
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