I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize