Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I don't deserve a penis
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
