i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
