i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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