the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
