i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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