can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
