so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
