I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
