It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
