I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
