The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
