omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
