Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
it glows. i had to have it.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
