I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You're like the curious george of whores
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
