Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
