am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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