If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
