You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize