she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
