this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
