I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
