I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
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