she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
