Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
i think i just lost a toe
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
