My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
