Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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