I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
