Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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