i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
