I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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