Im at strip club and am horny
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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