She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
