i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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