On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
