nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Why did my mother make you get naked?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
