I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
