Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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