Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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