is your mom at the bar?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
