Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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