no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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